I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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