I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
