You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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