Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize