You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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