You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
