So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
