He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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