his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
