I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
