My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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