ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
