3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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