Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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