but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
