She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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