Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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