im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
