my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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