I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
