He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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