genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize