Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
