Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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