I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
