I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
