Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
