ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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