Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
