If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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