yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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