that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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