I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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