I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you have to choose: penises or morals?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
