I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
