Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
