wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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