They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
