also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
