just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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