I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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