i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
