Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
