i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
