this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
