he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He told me they were just razor bumps!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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