Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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