Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
