I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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