i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
love makes seman taste better
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
