he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
