I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
