I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
