I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
