Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize