the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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