I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
