just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
