the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
