The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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